Your Athlete Wants to Quit (A How-To Guide)
Your athlete walks into your office, sits down, and says, “Coach. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, I don’t think wrestling is for me anymore- I just don’t enjoy it anymore”
What do you say?
A) “You’re not quitting”
B) “Goodbye and good riddance”
C) “How can I continue to help you.”
I pick C.
I’ve seen A. I’ve watched coaches refuse to let team members quit. They even have teammates hunt people down in their dorm rooms and force them to strap up for practice.
But forcing an athlete to stay on the team against their will is always a bad choice.
By not allowing them to make their own choices, you say “I know more about what you need than you do”. More significantly, you eliminate the most powerful tool an athlete has to improve. This tool is that walking into the wrestling room is a choice.
I’ve also watched B.
If you wanted to quit they wouldn’t say goodbye, even worse. They would point to the door and never talk to you again. You were dead to him and you were dead to the team. The entire team would be instructed not to interact with that student.
Kicking any doubting member of the team to the curb has a terrible effect on your team culture.
When a kid knows that he will lose all his brothers and friends the moment he leaves the team, he begrudgingly goes to practice. He drags ass and only does enough to not get yelled at. This torches the room’s atmosphere.
To me, option C is the clear best decision.
I say something like, “You are welcome to quit, but we’d love to find a way to keep you on this team. You still have value to use even if you aren’t a full member. I signed up to be your mentor when you joined this program and I will continue to be that for you.”
Opening the door for athletes to leave the team is a powerful message. What it says is that wrestling is a positive thing, and if it isn’t positive for you, you should adjust.
This sport is the most difficult in the world and you need to choose to be a part of it. That choice creates autonomy. It makes them understand what they are willing to do and the benefits of that sacrifice. It allows them to strive.
When your team is exclusively full of members who feel good about their choice to wrestle- who feel their own autonomy, you don’t have anyone poisoning the well. Each guy is proud to be a part of the group so they uplift each other rather than one or many members reluctantly going to practice because they don’t want Coach to yell at them, to lose their only friends, or to disappoint their father.
Only by opening the door to changing your role on the team do you have the possibility of having your room filled exclusively with athletes who chose to walk in that day. In this atmosphere, you know that your guys will push themselves and each other.
A team who chose their struggle are banded together by their shared willingness to challenge themselves. They know the benefits of this struggle. You talk to them about it regularly.
They know it won’t necessarily be fun, but they know when they lay down exhausted at the end of the night whether tonight or four years from now, they will be satisfied and proud of the work that they have done.
So When an athlete says when he wants to quit, I ask him a few questions.
1. What did you join this program for? What did you want to get out of it?
2. Did you succeed in getting that value?
3. What has changed?
4. How can this program still serve you?
Look, I am not JFK. This program serves the athletes, not the other way around. A member of this team can quit this team and still be a massive positive for the program. I try to find a way to help that member.
Allowing someone to quit but stay connected to the program says you have value. Because they do. You know this.
You have these kids on your team. You have the guys that just participate. They are the practice partners that never make the lineup. They aren’t just okay for your team they are essential to the team. They bring culture, academics, family, love, and pride to your program. Guys who aren’t the “best” on your program aren’t worthless and we need to stop pretending so.
And even if they don’t workout, they can be a monument in the community saying things like, “Coach ____ Is a great person, they genuinely care about their team members.” They could be a practice partner, a manager, a promoter, or just someone at school who has good things to say about the school. All of this has immense value.
If they don’t want to be a full-time member of their team then you shouldn’t force them to be. Give them options and allow them to contribute in whatever way they can. You, as a coach, should contribute to them as much as you can.
They gave you so much time and effort and will continue to do so. You, their mentor, need to help them. That is what you signed up for. Mentors don’t kick people to the curb, they see them through good and bad. That’s how I see it.
I tell my team, once I’m in your corner once, I’m in your corner forever. And I mean that. You should too.